I had my follow up from the blood clot, hemorrhaging and D&C last Tuesday and I left feeling totally overwhelmed and so very sad (don't worry it's not post partum depression). The dr. and I discussed how well I've recovered from everything and how I just feel tremendously different and BETTER! He scheduled me for another CAT scan as a follow up and I'll need some more blood work to test for genetic clotting factors after I've finished my treatment for the clot in my lung - in a year.
But we also discussed the fact that due to the complications I've faced after my last 2 births, it is in my best interest to NEVER get pregnant again. My mind knows that this is best, because truly, another birth could cost me my life and I'm not okay with that. However, my heart hurts so badly right now that I'm tearing up just typing this post.
Michael and I had been discussing having another child and I was pretty certain that was the direction God was leading us (guess I had that one all wrong).
CAVEAT: I know not everyone will believe the same way I do about birth control, so please just take this as my own personal conviction and not a judgement against anyone else's choice for birth control. What's right for me is not right for everyone and I understand that.
So, birth control was discussed in depth and I have to say that this dr. was very accomodating to our beliefs. I WON'T do hormonal birth control (pills, IUD, Nuva Ring, etc.) for several reasons: * our hormones were never intended to be messed with just to prevent a pregnancy, * I am a high risk for another clot and therefore cannot take certain hormonal varieties anyway, * The other huge problem I have is the abortafacient factor in that most birth control varieties make the lining of the uterus un-hospitable for a fertilized egg to implant - basically meaning that if you do happen to ovulate on the pill and you have a fertilized egg, your uterus cannot accept the egg because the lining isn't thick enough to allow it to implant, thus aborting the baby - granted you'd never know it happened, but I could not live with the thought that I could possibly be aborting babies unknowingly.
In the past, we've relied solely on the barrier method and charting (NFP concepts) and have only gotten pregnant when it was planned and we knew God was directing us that the timing was right to begin 'trying'. However, that is no longer good enough, because no matter how perfectly you use your 'barrier' and how accurately you chart your temperature, mucus and other fertility signs, there is still a decent chance of getting pregnant. For most people an unplanned pregnancy would be ok - while maybe not an ideal circumstance, life would go on and adjustments would be made and things would turn out ok in the end. For me, this is definitely not the case - things likely would NOT turn out ok in the end if I were to get pregnant again.
So, we are left with permanent birth control as our only option. And it's not me who will have to have the procedure. My body cannot endure another surgery (possibly for the entirety of my life) and a tubal ligation is done under general anesthesia as a laparascopic procedure. So, we're down to one last option - a vasectomy. I think it scares me as much as it does Michael. The dr. even said, "call me when he's ready for a consult and I'll put in the referral to the urologist for him." Oy - he's totally serious that we do something quickly.
In a perfect situation we would be older making this decision. But since neither of us is even 30 yet, it's very difficult. Our biggest concern is what if something happens to me and Michael remarries one day and what if he wants more children? While I don't plan on anything happening to me (and there won't ever be a divorce), we truly don't know what God's ultimate plans are for any of us and making such a permanent decision is... well, tough. I know that it can be reversed and if that doesn't work there are other ways of achieving pregnancy, but that still doesn't settle my heart.
Prayer - that's what is needed in this situation. Your added prayers in this situation are coveted and greatly appreciated. Pray for direction and that we'll have peace about the situation.